The Hidden Secret

Depression isn’t always obvious

So before you begin reading this article, please go watch the video. I know it’s a bunch of click-bait bullshit, but it’s definitely worth the watch.

Are you back? Good.

So as I was supposed to be doing a paper and failing miserably at it, I began scrolling through facebook, wondering what sort of ridiculous posts I would find. Then I came across this video, noticed it was from the buzzfeed page, and immediately was like “Well, here goes auto-play facebook.” So I watched it because, you know, procrastination. As by now I hope you’re sure by now, it starts out basically how all videos of this nature start out, with some dopey looking dude just kind of going through the motions.

But then, at the very end, shit hits the fan, and this has now become my new favorite video to show friends what depression looks like. Honestly, if you’re just reading this and not watching the video, PLEASE go watch it, because from now on, SPOILERS!

So anyone who knows me semi-well knows I don’t put up with emotional triggering bullshit. For me, the most powerful thing you can present to someone is numbers. If you can show that you have facts to back up your point and don’t use emotional appeal on me, congrats, you have earned my respect for your opinion. Now, some things can’t be backed up by cold, hard, facts, but so long as your argument is logical, we won’t have a problem.

Mini rant over, I have watched a lot of videos on depression. TED talks, scishow, vloggers, etc., and I have discovered that the ones who tend to keep emotions in check and even tell personal stories to tug at your heart strings are the ones that are the most effective and pulling a sense of emotion from me. But this video was different, even with the emotional aspect. It did really well in shattering my expectations of what was to come, even as I was thinking “I have seen this all before, this had better get interesting and different quick or else I’m leaving.”, the video managed to shock me with the guy in the background, barely noticeable until he takes his own life, being the focus of the story, instead of the guy we’re shown. Honestly, I resonated with it. it was very true to what depression is actually like.

WARNING! THIS IS NOT AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL!

So I guess you could say this is me announcing to the world that I have clinical depression. Now, I don’t want your babying, I don’t want your dumb-ass comments of “It gets better!” (I know it gets better. If I didn’t think that, you wouldn’t be seeing this right now). or “Just stop being depressed! cheer up!” (you’re an idiot if you think depression works that way, go do some research). Hell, I don’t even want to be coddled, I just want understanding that I’m going to have some shitty days in the future. I’ve come to terms with it, I know life isn’t perfect, but I also know it’s worth it.

Anywho, back to the point: With depression, the best description I can offer is one by Andrew Solomon, whose clarification  is “The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality…”. When depression hits, you feel as if nothing will ever go right, that even things you enjoy like sports or video games or music all seems to have lost it’s luster. Depression feels like somebody took every ounce of motivation and sucked it out of you, and nothing can be enjoyed like you remember. And for lack of better terms, it sucks.

But, the thing that I always try to remember whenever I get to that place and want to end it all, and the thing I try to tell people if I ever hear that they are going through something similar, is that they are loved. That if anything happens, they will be missed. There is no one on this earth who is unloved by someone. Even if you’re not religious in any way, there is always somebody who can look at you and see someone worth caring for, worth missing, worth their time. We are worth something, and even when the thoughts that seem impossible to block tell us we’re worthless, or that we fuck up so many times that there is nothing left to redeem us, the necessity to remember that we are loved is humongous.  That we are not alone.

That we are never alone.

That sometimes, while it may not seem as if anything could go right, there is ALWAYS a light in the darkness.

Final thoughts: If you reader or anyone you know is going through this, a couple things;

  1. Get help from a professional
  2. Find a trustworthy friend to help you through the toughest times
  3. Know that you are not your depression. it is a disease, and like any disease it can be helped.
  4. Learn all you can about it. Links below.

That’s it. I’m going to bed now because it’s 330 in the morning (sorry mom and dad!) and I’m tired. links below for people who want to learn more or need help.

Depression, the secret we share by Andrew Solomon

Why We Choose Suicide by Mark Henick

Depression: What You Need to Know

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255