Understanding the “monster”

by sophomaniac2

Recently I’ve been listening a lot to the song “Monster” by The Almost. The chorus goes; 

“If I were a monster
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak would you stare?
If I were a leper
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost,
Would you help me get free?”

This is a song about the awareness of God and his constant presence, but how sometimes we doubt whether or not he’s actually there. We expect instant miracles and granted, sometimes they do come, but most of the time the signs are less subtle. Well, in the spirit of this song, I had an interesting experience recently. No, I’m not gonna go into detail. Why do you need to know? HUH?! heheh, just kidding…… sort of. Anywho, I had to make a call about myself and life got complicated. And while I was expecting a miracle from the Almighty, things of a negative nature began to arise. I began to see a swirl of chaos, and I turned into a “monster” to cope with the utter insanity of these things. I, like the author of this song, began to question where God was. Now the thought that God was always with me, yeah, that works sometimes, but most of the time, if He wasn’t doing anything for me, I brushed him off. I turned into the freak, the leper, and the lost. I became someone whom I as a person did not like. I knew I needed change, but I didn’t know where to begin. During this time, prayer became a constant part of my life. That sounds like a good thing until you realize I was doing it for the reasons of just trying to hear nothing, but that never happened, and honestly and truly, it annoyed me. Life would have been so much easier if just one night I felt nothing as I prayed. Now this wasn’t the doubt of the existence of God, just the wish that he would leave me alone for 2 seconds, which sure as hell wasn’t gonna happen.  Then one night, as I was beginning a routine, a friend called and asked to talk. Now you, dear reader, are immediately thinking “Well is this the part where he says it was no miracle, but an ordinary person who turned out to be a miracle?” I laugh at you and say no. I say that God still worked in an instant miracle. Maybe not one with a laser show and a spotlight, or one with hospital equipment and a defibrillator, but one through prayer. Before the beginning of this routine, I prayed for help. And as cliche and almost redundant as it is to say, God listens and hears, and if we do it with an honest heart, He gives us what we need. Not what we WANT, but what we NEED. God had begun that miracle as soon as I opened my mind for prayer. He immediately began putting wheels in motion to help me. He knew what I needed more than I did. Anyway, long story short, I’m not perfect. but it is a goal I strive for. The goal of UNDERSTANDING the “monster” that plagued me instead of vanquishing it. After all, the monster is me, and my job is not to vanquish myself, but to use myself for the continuation of God’s work on the earth. And sometimes we need help doing that. 

This brings me back to my song, and the last chorus is changed, now reflecting this revelation of mine and the author:

“When I am a monster
You never wince
When you look at me
When I am a freak, you never stare
When I am a leper
You never say unclean
And when I am lost
You come and get me free”

Kind of scatter brained, but hopefully coherent.