will's insanity

The Ramblings of a Mad Man

Month: August, 2014


Right now my room is a wreck. I mean, I’ve started picking up the floor and everything, but it still looks like a kind of controlled chaos. I have papers scattered everywhere, my desk is covered in things that need to get done, and my storage areas are absolutely insane. 

Just having all of that around me reminds me that I need to clean it up, get stuff done, and try to relax afterwards. But I feel like it’s just going to revert to it’s original state of craziness as soon as I get going during the week, and I sure as HELL am not cleaning every week. Right now, even as I’m typing this, I am trying to pick up the random pieces of trash that scatter the floor and throw them in the garbage can, attempting some level of sanity in this whirlwind. 

I’m actually feeling about the same way right now. The job of being an R.A., while rewarding, is filled with small pieces of work that just seem to build up around me. School is, as always, an abundance of reading and work that also piles up like leaves. And trying to have a social life at the same time as getting any amount of sleep, it’s almost laughable. As with my room, my mind is cluttered with these things, and trying to look at it stresses me out to no end. Pulling out of hair and procrastination ensue, just because I can see the whole picture, and it frustrates me to the point of not being able to get anything done. My mother at this point would probably say to me to look at it one thing at a time. Great advice, and definitely some that I would pass on if it was a third party asking me for some advice. But as for me, when I look at everything I have to do, categorizing just doesn’t seem to work very well for me. Trying to sort things and organize them into sections just doesn’t click sometimes, so I have the entire picture in my head all at once like a photograph, instead of it happening a little at a time.

The thing I do to cover up my room is really the same thing I do for my life. I close the door. it’s still there, but it’s not within visual. I can’t see it, therefore it does not have a direct impact upon me. Then and only then am I able to say to myself what I need to do. I can say i need to take care of the floor first, or organize my desk, or figure out where to put stuff in my  storage areas. Same goes with my own head. The reason I procrastinate is not because I’m lazy (okay, maybe a little…) but because I feel so overwhelmed that if I get started on anything, everything else will be in the forefront of my mind while I’m accomplishing that task. I need that time before hand to comprehend and figure out which part of the photograph of stuff I need to get finished. And little by little, my room and my mind get cleaned, and life becomes easy and simplified. 


Understanding the “monster”

Recently I’ve been listening a lot to the song “Monster” by The Almost. The chorus goes; 

“If I were a monster
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak would you stare?
If I were a leper
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost,
Would you help me get free?”

This is a song about the awareness of God and his constant presence, but how sometimes we doubt whether or not he’s actually there. We expect instant miracles and granted, sometimes they do come, but most of the time the signs are less subtle. Well, in the spirit of this song, I had an interesting experience recently. No, I’m not gonna go into detail. Why do you need to know? HUH?! heheh, just kidding…… sort of. Anywho, I had to make a call about myself and life got complicated. And while I was expecting a miracle from the Almighty, things of a negative nature began to arise. I began to see a swirl of chaos, and I turned into a “monster” to cope with the utter insanity of these things. I, like the author of this song, began to question where God was. Now the thought that God was always with me, yeah, that works sometimes, but most of the time, if He wasn’t doing anything for me, I brushed him off. I turned into the freak, the leper, and the lost. I became someone whom I as a person did not like. I knew I needed change, but I didn’t know where to begin. During this time, prayer became a constant part of my life. That sounds like a good thing until you realize I was doing it for the reasons of just trying to hear nothing, but that never happened, and honestly and truly, it annoyed me. Life would have been so much easier if just one night I felt nothing as I prayed. Now this wasn’t the doubt of the existence of God, just the wish that he would leave me alone for 2 seconds, which sure as hell wasn’t gonna happen.  Then one night, as I was beginning a routine, a friend called and asked to talk. Now you, dear reader, are immediately thinking “Well is this the part where he says it was no miracle, but an ordinary person who turned out to be a miracle?” I laugh at you and say no. I say that God still worked in an instant miracle. Maybe not one with a laser show and a spotlight, or one with hospital equipment and a defibrillator, but one through prayer. Before the beginning of this routine, I prayed for help. And as cliche and almost redundant as it is to say, God listens and hears, and if we do it with an honest heart, He gives us what we need. Not what we WANT, but what we NEED. God had begun that miracle as soon as I opened my mind for prayer. He immediately began putting wheels in motion to help me. He knew what I needed more than I did. Anyway, long story short, I’m not perfect. but it is a goal I strive for. The goal of UNDERSTANDING the “monster” that plagued me instead of vanquishing it. After all, the monster is me, and my job is not to vanquish myself, but to use myself for the continuation of God’s work on the earth. And sometimes we need help doing that. 

This brings me back to my song, and the last chorus is changed, now reflecting this revelation of mine and the author:

“When I am a monster
You never wince
When you look at me
When I am a freak, you never stare
When I am a leper
You never say unclean
And when I am lost
You come and get me free”

Kind of scatter brained, but hopefully coherent. 

There’s a first time for everything

So I’d figure I would give this blogging thing a try. I never liked writing, but the flow of blog seemed so strangely alluring that I had to give it a try. Not sure how much effort is gonna go into this, but who knows, maybe something good will come out of this. Anywho, here goes nothing.

The presentation style of this blog domain is called manifesto, which is defined as “a public declaration of policy and aims, especially one issued before an election by a political party or candidate.” according to the all powerful Google. But I think it’s so much more than that. The first time manifesto appeared as a choice, I immediately went to the communist manifesto by Karl Marx (crazy guy, but that’s the history major talking). But then I kept thinking: A statement. That’s what this is. A way for people to understand whats going on in the minds of others. 

One’s eyes are no longer the gateway to the soul, it’s the way they say things. 

This does not apply to just blogs, but to the languages we speak, along with the ones we don’t. Your mouth is saying one thing, the mind another, and the body yet another. Our image says things too. Unfortunately, not just the words of rumor or praise behind our backs, but the way we present ourselves, what we do to find peace, the way we address the issues at hand, what we do on our phones, what we listen to on our I-pods, and the list goes on. 

The point is we are complex. To limit the way to for others to see us as we TRULY are, no masks, no walls, no filters, to one tiny part of our being is pointless. If we were meant for that, God would have made all expression through the eyes. By limiting ourselves to that cliche, we acquire one and only one method of thinking about a person. Maybe instead of looking at one thing, we eliminate the first impression bias and try a longer approach. Actually talking to people, verbally and non-verbally, and putting our phones down to notice such things. If we do that, our relationships with each other will grow exponentially. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my Manifesto. A policy, A statement. Not the summary of my beliefs, but a good chunk of one of them.